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The Bastard on the Couch: 27 Men Try Really Hard to Explain Their Feelings About Love, Loss, Fatherhood, and Freedom Hardcover – April 27, 2004

by Daniel Jones (Author)

3.8 25 ratings

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The husband of The Bitch in the House responds with a collection of original pieces by male writers about what men desire, need, love, and loathe in their relationships today ...

Cathi Hanauer's bestselling The Bitch in the House: 26 Women Tell the Truth about Sex, Solitude, Work, Motherhood, and Marriage spurred a national conversation about the level of friction in contemporary marriages and relationships. Now her husband, Daniel Jones, has rallied the men for the "literary equivalent of The Full Monty," in which twenty-seven thoughtful, passionate, and often hilarious men lay it bare when it comes to their wives and girlfriends, their hopes and fears.Enough with pop psychiatrists telling us why men lie, cheat, and want nothing more than to laze around the house in front of the TV. Enough with women wondering aloud -- at increasing volume -- why the men in their lives behave the way they do. The time has come for men to speak for themselves.

Many of the husbands and fathers in these pages contemplate aspects of their personal lives they've never before revealed in print -- they kick open the door on their marriages and sex lives, their fathering and domestic conflicts, their most intimate relationships and situations. Yet unlike the average meat-and-potatoes father who still rules the roost, these men are grappling with new ideas of manhood -- some that they are going after and grabbing, and others that are being thrust upon them by a changing world.

Powerful, heartfelt, and irreverent, The Bastard on the Couch is a bold, unprecedented glimpse into the dark corners and glaring truths of modern relationships that is guaranteed to amuse, entertain, enrich, and provoke.

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Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Last year's much-ballyhooed The Bitch in the House, edited by Hanauer, collated essays by women on their frustration and rage. Now Jones (Hanauer's husband and a novelist and journalist) offers the male version, wherein guys discuss how they feel about their standing in today's shifting cultural landscape (that is, if they care at all). As Jones notes, "The fact that women are in charge of their own birth control and reproduction may be a gigantic cultural shift, but I've yet to hear a single man complain about it." Divided into sections on "Hunting and Gathering," "Can't Be Trusted With Simple Tasks," "Bicycles for Fish" and "All I Need," the essays vary from somewhat revelatory to unsurprising, but they are almost uniformly entertaining and well written. There are several pieces in the vein of Christopher Russell's droll snippet about being bossed around by his Type A wife. Despite her "officious way," deep down, Russell knows her fussiness is often necessary. Some are more visceral, like Robert Skates's display of his jaded humor about the pain of divorce ("Punching doors seems to help. Throwing phones through windows ain't bad either"), or Jarhead author Anthony Swofford's wry tale of beating up a guy at a bar who was molesting Swofford's passed-out girlfriend. While precious few entries stray from the rested maunderings of educated professionals-there's no real scoop on what guys on the assembly line think-the book still manages to open a window into a place many women are pretty convinced doesn't exist: the male psyche.
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

From Booklist

In Cathi Hanauer's 2002 book The Bitch in the House, 26 women wrote about their relationships with men, especially the difficulties involved in combining marriage, children, and a satisfying career. But, as Jones explains in his introduction to this sequel, that was only half the story. Here, the editor (Hanauer's husband) gives 27 men the chance to speak out on the same subject and to respond to criticisms leveled against them and their gender in the first book. (Several of the contributors are the husbands of women whose essays appeared in the earlier volume.) Taken either as a stand-alone or as a sequel to The Bitch in the House, it's a remarkably interesting, entertaining book. The contributors, most of them writers by trade, are eloquent, thoughtful, and (in many cases) disarmingly open about their dreams, ambitions, and weaknesses. This is not one of those simplistic men-have-feelings-too books. It's a deep and varied exploration of how the blurred gender roles of men and women have impacted the lives of individual men. An eye-opening account. David Pitt
Copyright © American Library Association. All rights reserved

Product details

Publisher ‏ : ‎ William Morrow; First Edition (April 27, 2004)
Language ‏ : ‎ English
Hardcover ‏ : ‎ 320 pages
ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 0060565349
ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0060565343
Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 1.25 pounds
Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 6 x 1.05 x 9 inches

Best Sellers Rank: #3,118,500 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #2,004 in Men's Gender Studies
- #3,559 in Fatherhood (Books)
- #8,465 in Interpersonal Relations (Books)

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3.8 25 ratings

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Daniel Jones

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Daniel Jones has edited the Modern Love column in The New York Times since its launch in 2004. His books include “Love Illuminated: Exploring Life's Most Mystifying Subject with the Help of 50,000 Strangers,” “The Bastard on the Couch: 27 Men Try Really Hard to Explore Their Feelings About Love, Loss, Freedom, and Fatherhood,” and a novel, “After Lucy,” which was a finalist for the Barnes & Noble Discover Award. His new book, "Modern Love," is an anthology of many of the best Modern Love columns from the past 15 years. Jones appears weekly on the Modern Love podcast and is consulting producer for Amazon Studios’ show “Modern Love.” He lives in Northampton, Massachusetts and in New York City.

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RO

Bastards speak up

Reviewed in the United States on May 18, 2014

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Honest, authentic, and stimulating essays. My husband and I are reading these essays together and they are leading to some very fruitful discussions of our relationship and others we know.

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J. Aragon

Great Follow up To Bitch in the House

Reviewed in the United States on November 12, 2004

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If you read Bitch in the House, then you'll most likely enjoy this book. If not, read this book and then read Bitch in the House.

This book is a good weekend read, but I didn't enjoy it as much as it's predecessor. Why Men Lie is the strongest entry in the anthology. And, the volume's weakness does lie with the homogeniety of the contributors. NY is not center of the world!

Besides these pity complaints of mine, Bastard will help give women a glimpse into the pscyhe of the men we love--who sometimes can't do simple tasks! If you read the book- you know what this refers to.

Read and enjoy.

6 people found this helpful

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Marie

Interesting men

Reviewed in the United States on March 17, 2014

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I have not finished the book so that is why I rated the way I did. I think it should required reading for all young couples.

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alkane

Missed Opportunity But Must Read

Reviewed in the United States on March 13, 2014

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Having read a whole lot of books written by women who explain how they feell, and then also the Bitch in the House book, I was excited to get this book. But I felt let down. I can't say there were not some good essays, because some were good, and the best being about why men lie. I PDF'd this essay and sent to a number of guys. They all liked it very much. This really told the truth.

Most of all the other essays seemed to be just proffessional artists playing. One guy I am sure he is some famous writer spent more time talking about the songs he was listening to while writting his essay then about his issues.

Then the stay at home guy who pointed out that none of the stay at home moms that he knew had a to do list. Imagine giving your stay at home wife a to do list. Think you going to get anything that night? This was great I was able to relate this to my wife.

To the Author if he ever reads this, I would hope that maybe since you have great access to getting something published that you would do another and get a little deeper into the issues. Seems like your heart or mind was not into it. I would love to be in your postion such that call a few buddies have the write some essays, publish a book, and make some money.

So here we really had our chance guys, and we missed it. I think there is more opportunity for better discourse on the real issues. When the guy comes home at around six he has around 4 hours to mess up. He either agrees (prostitution) or brings up issue and gets none. Even then, if he does not and he tries to stay awake as his wife spends extra time brushing her teeth (Bitch in the House), he probably will fall asleep frustrated.

I would write something but just too hard to get published. Not established like Jones seems to be. Also he could have found some regular Joes and done some interviewing instead of just asking his buddies to write something. But I guess something is better than nothing, and I know guys understand this.

2 people found this helpful

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Learning New Ways

Excellent concept; some good and some scary stories

Reviewed in the United States on September 20, 2010

I thought this was a great concept for a book, and I learned a lot from it about men's experiences dealing with contemporary relationships. Thank you to these men for sharing their stories.

Some of my favorites were Daniel Jones' "Chivalry on Ice," Steve Friedman's "A Bachelor's Fear," and Sean Elder's "The Lock Box." I'd love to suggest to Daniel that all it takes is empathy for the weak (which starts from knowing your own territory of weakness, including the emotional content of it?), to Steve that although I deeply empathize with his ambivalence and worry about marriage and family, his biological clock may have already ticked (children born to men over the age of 40 have higher risk for chromosonal problems), and to Sean that the reason I suspect most of us women don't want to have sex sometimes is because of the defensiveness and resentment we feel about male privilege (and stepping down from that is, I suspect, the surest way inside there is).

Some of the authors even knew what patriarchy is (bless them!), such as Thomas Lynch's "The Dog's Life."

Others were stories that were particularly honest and candid about difficult territory, such as Vince Passaro, Why Men Lie (and Always Will), and which reflected men choosing power over love, or seeming to. I'd love to know whether he developed the cojones to develop his own concept of morality and define his own self and not baby his way through life, assigning morality to women and submitting to social pressures of masculinity rather than being his own man. He seems like a man traumatized by not having a good quality father and good male friends to me.

So I agree with another commentator that just like in the "The Bitch Is In The House," reading these stories sometimes makes you want to shake the author into consciousness, take them by the hand and lead them to a good therapist. The journey to self-awareness and happiness lies in knowing the self, though, and at least writing these stories is a start. I suspect that the leverage needed for real awareness and real change (for those men who want it) requires help from an outside source.

I appreciate these guys telling their stories, though. The last 40 years have been a time of social revolution, a quiet revolution, but a revolution nonethless. Many of these guys, and myself and many other women, have suffered loss because of this revolution. I hope that it means that the young boys and girls of the future will grow up in healthier, happier homes, however, and that their parents will have a much better chance at lasting, satisfying marriage in which they can truly be themselves and at peace.

One person found this helpful

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Me

I heart this book

Reviewed in the United States on December 30, 2013

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I do wish each man talked about a totally different topic but despite the overlap this book makes for a great conversation starter and provides something interesting insight into the minds of some men.

Reviewed in the United States on December 16, 2007

I was lucky enough to read the author's essay first. This is the only book where I couldn't stop laughing out loud. Since I'm on my third marriage every essay hit home and sent me back in time. This book is must for every guy who needs to know that they are not alone in frustration while dealing with women. This book is seriously an heirloom which will passed to my son!!

Reviewed in the United States on October 21, 2014

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A book written by 27 people is bound to be hit and miss. Some parts spoke to me... others, not so much.

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AKEcosse

Love to hear the husbands' voices

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on February 11, 2014

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This is a counterpart to The Bitch in the House, and is really very enlightening when you read them together, particularly the stories by men whose partners wrote in TBitH. Both books are interesting in that it gives you such differing perspectives. I've actually owned them both since they first came out in hardback -- and have loaned them out on more than one occasion never to see them again -- but I keep buying them again, and reading them again, as my perspective changes as time passes. Where I'm at in my own (fairly long) marriage results in a bit different take on each of the stories, more sympathetic to some, less to others. That says more about me, and the fluidity of relationships, than it does about this book.

When our eldest was home for xmas holidays I told her to encourage her boyfriend to read it, to give him a bit of insight into what long-term relationships are like. I wish that my husband would read it too, but he hasn't, and probably won't.

There's no relationship preaching, it's just a series of essays from loads of differing perspectives & experiences. Some have children, some don't. Some are monogamous, some aren't. And on & on.

It's really a very good book -- particularly when read with The Bitch in the House.

Amazon Customer

Interesting

Reviewed in Japan on December 4, 2015

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This is an honest exploration of the man/husband experience. Well told by different authors from various backgrounds. No story is like another and yet just about every single one is interesting.

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The Bastard on the Couch: 27 Men Try Really Hard to Explain Their Feelings About Love, Loss, Fatherhood, and Freedom Hardcover – April 27, 2004

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