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Big Friendship: How We Keep Each Other Close Hardcover – July 14, 2020

by Aminatou Sow (Author), Ann Friedman (Author)

4.3 1,200 ratings

Editors' pick Best Nonfiction

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A close friendship is one of the most influential and important relationships a human life can contain. Anyone will tell you that! But for all the rosy sentiments surrounding friendship, most people don’t talk much about what it really takes to stay close for the long haul.

Now two friends, Aminatou Sow and Ann Friedman, tell the story of their equally messy and life-affirming Big Friendship in this honest and hilarious book that chronicles their first decade in one another’s lives. As the hosts of the hit podcast Call Your Girlfriend, they’ve become known for frank and intimate conversations. In this book, they bring that energy to their own friendship—its joys and its pitfalls.

Aminatou and Ann define Big Friendship as a strong, significant bond that transcends life phases, geographical locations, and emotional shifts. And they should know: the two have had moments of charmed bliss and deep frustration, of profound connection and gut-wrenching alienation. They have weathered life-threatening health scares, getting fired from their dream jobs, and one unfortunate Thanksgiving dinner eaten in a car in a parking lot in Rancho Cucamonga. Through interviews with friends and experts, they have come to understand that their struggles are not unique. And that the most important part of a Big Friendship is making the decision to invest in one another again and again.

An inspiring and entertaining testament to the power of society’s most underappreciated relationship, Big Friendship will invite you to think about how your own bonds are formed, challenged, and preserved. It is a call to value your friendships in all of their complexity. Actively choose them. And, sometimes, fight for them.

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Editorial Reviews

Review

“[A] thoughtful and highly readable story... Friendship is a choice. With this book, Sow and Friedman remind us that laziness in tending to friendships is dangerous, and that regardless of the circumstance, whether geography or pandemic, friendships must be nourished, or they will wither."
— New York Times Book Review

“Deeply compelling… This is the kind of book that makes you want to reach out to your best, biggest friends to say thank you, thank you, thank you for walking in this world with me. As with your big friendships, this unforgettable book is one you will want to keep close.”
— Roxane Gay, New York Times bestselling author of Bad Feminist and Hunger

“Here, friendship gets the emotional and intellectual respect it deserves; and like any truly great love story, Ann’s and Aminatou’s is a page turner. I love this book. “
—Rebecca Traister, New York Times bestselling author of Good and Mad

"A wonderful and intimate portrayal. A story is as universal as it is revolutionary."
— Hillary Rodham Clinton

“In this openhearted book, Aminatou Sow and Ann Friedman show us how a friendship can be as rewarding and enduring as a marriage, and they urge us to value it accordingly—as they clearly do. An inspiration."
—Ariel Levy, New York Times bestselling author of The Rules Do Not Apply

"A hilarious coming-of-age story, a heartfelt manifesto, and an ode to the magic of friendship."
— Cecile Richards, New York Times bestselling author of Make Trouble

“So smart, so funny, so honest—it will change the way you think about friendship."
—Jade Chang, author of The Wangs Vs. The World

"Long before all friendships became socially distanced, Aminatou and Ann were showing us how to do it — with radical honesty, vulnerability, and wit."
—Irin Carmon, co-author of the New York Times bestseller Notorious RBG: The Life and Times of Ruth Bader Ginsburg

“A gift to any reader who wants to keep and deepen their friendships. Why should romantic love get to take up all the space on the shelf?"
—Saeed Jones, author of How We Fight For Our Lives and Isaac Fitzgerald, author of How to Be a Pirate

“The compassion and open- hearted learning on display here will stay with you for a long time, and remind you of just how transformative close friendships can be."
—Heather Havrilesky, author of the Ask Polly advice column and How to Be a Person in the World

"Joyous, vulnerable, honest, and moving."
—J. Ryan Stradal, New York Times bestselling author of Kitchens of the Great Midwest and The Lager Queen of Minnesota

"In Big Friendship, Aminatou Sow and Ann Friedman save their friendship - and maybe even yours"
— SHONDALAND

"Netflix, we’re ready for the movie adaptation."
— Glamour

"Aminatou Sow and Ann Friedman are the patron saints of friendship."
—Bustle

"Big Friendship is an anatomy of the way one particular friendship works, but it is also an argument for taking all amicable relationships more seriously, for understanding them in the terms we usually reserve for romance (the authors share their “meet cute” and discuss the “spark” and “chemistry” between them), and for appreciating the sometimes difficult and time-consuming work it takes to maintain these friendships.”
— Vogue

"Brilliant and honest."
— Katie Couric

"A cozy, earnest read...Big Friendship is unfailingly warm. Writing with the crystalline hindsight of friends who learned the hard way, Sow and Friedman reveal the hidden origins of the schisms they paid good money for a therapist to help them heal. After reading this book, their readers might not have to."
—Slate

“A deeply funny and immensely heartfelt look into what makes a friendship last despite time, distance, trials and major life changes."
—Elle

"A rich exploration of friendship...Having honed a relationship they compare to the one between Oprah Winfrey and Gayle King, [Ann Friedman and Aminatou Sow] are well equipped to deliver honest and helpful advice to anyone struggling to maintain a healthy union over time and distance. A soul-searching reflection that delivers an emotional journey to amplify the self-help tips."
—Kirkus Reviews

"In sharing their personal story, alongside research from social scientists, Sow and Friedman highlight what it takes for a friendship to last."
— Time Magazine

“This is an instructive, humbling, and reassuring guidebook to Big Friendship in all its hard work and outsize glory; through both tears and laughter, readers will see themselves in it, and be glad."
—Booklist

"[BIG FRIENDSHIP] couldn't be more apt in the time of COVID-19. Read it with your friends across the country."
—Entertainment Weekly

"Obsessed with the hit podcast Call Your Girlfriend? Then this intimate, frank and hilarious book chronicling the joy and messiness of friendship from its hosts is a must-read. You'll laugh, you'll cry and you'll relate as they share stories of health scares, family drama and, of course, friendship. Plus, Sow and Friedman also interview friends and experts about the complexity of the bond between best friends. Forget BFF necklaces, buy two books and give one to your BFF. "
—E! Online

"Big Friendship will bring a smile to your face, remind you why you love your friends (and sometimes get angry with them too!) and make you want to call your girlfriend."
—PopSugar

"Cleverly written...You don’t need to be familiar with these amazing women’s previous works to enjoy this book, but once you finish reading I expect you’ll be so intoxicated by their creative voices that you’ll seek out their podcast immediately."
—Cinnamon Magazine

"This book couldn’t have come at a better time."
— THE GLITTER GUIDE

"Staying in touch with your besties is more important than ever right now. But maintaining friendships, especially for a long time, is hard work. Aminatou Sow and Ann Friedman, hosts of the podcast Call Your Girlfriend, get super real about what it takes to choose, fight for, and maintain close friendships. May we suggest reading it at the same time as your best friend?"
—HelloGiggles

"Two of the nation’s leading feminists and hosts of the hit podcast Call Your Girlfriend make the bold and compelling argument that a close friendship is the most influential and important relationship a human life can contain—helping you improve as a person and in your relationships with others."
—African Book Addict

"[BIG FRIENDSHIP] feels more relevant than ever... It's such an important part of our lives, really examining what it takes to sustain a lasting bond and to continuously reconnect and give friendships the kind of energy that we give some of the other relationships in our lives."
—BOSTON.COM

About the Author

Aminatou Sow is a writer, interviewer, and cultural commentator. She is a frequent public speaker whose talks and interviews lead to candid conversations about ambition, money, and power. Aminatou lives in Brooklyn.

Ann Friedman is a journalist, essayist, and media entrepreneur. She is a contributing editor to The Gentlewoman. Every Friday, she sends a popular email newsletter. Ann lives in Los Angeles.

Together, Aminatou and Ann host the long-running podcast Call Your Girlfriend. Big Friendship is both Aminatou and Ann’s first book. Learn more at BigFriendship.com

Product details

Publisher ‏ : ‎ Simon & Schuster (July 14, 2020)
Language ‏ : ‎ English
Hardcover ‏ : ‎ 256 pages
ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 1982111909
ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-1982111908
Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 11.9 ounces
Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 5.5 x 0.9 x 8.38 inches

Best Sellers Rank: #338,309 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #315 in Friendship (Books)
- #2,514 in Women's Studies (Books)
- #10,843 in Memoirs (Books)

Customer Reviews:
4.3 1,200 ratings

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Elena Burke

Great book, easy read!

Reviewed in the United States on December 17, 2020

Verified Purchase

I bought this book because, yes, I'm a fan of the Call Your Girlfriend podcast. I bought the book and then it sat on my shelf for a few months. I recently chose it for my book club to read. I went in and started reading some of the reviews, here on Amazon and then on Goodreads. For a second, I thought that maybe I had made a mistake after reading what some reviewers said. I am so glad I didn't let it stop me. The book was really great, and not just because I'm a fan of their podcast. It is well-written and thoughtful. It was obvious to me that some of the reviewers never finished the book because if they had, some of the things they didn't like or thought weren't resolved, were clearly dealt with by the end. I wasn't left feeling like I was missing information at all. The book is written as a memoir more than a social science read- so they do use their own Big Friendship as the foundation and then discuss different ideas they researched on the topic of friendship as it applies to their personal experience. If you're looking for a more scientific or research approach, this might not be what you're looking for. It is also not a political essay or anything like that. Yes, people like AOC and Ilhan Omar are mentioned, but in the context of Shine Theory. That's it. Yes, they most definitely hold progressive political views, but the book isn't about that. The conservative reader can read this and look at the topic at face value and be ok. If you're offended by the mere mention of anything liberal or progressive, then maybe you can't handle it??? I'm only bringing this up because I saw some pretty ugly comments in other reviews on the topic of their politics and I based on those I was expecting something different than what I found.

At the end of the day, this book was so beautiful. I loved it. It made me think about myself in friendships in a new way. It made me think about the people I love and how I want to be there for them. How life has gotten in the way of some friendships and I wonder if we can bring them back in a new way that works better once you're older and have a family of your own. I highly recommend this book and I hope you decide to take a chance on it.

47 people found this helpful

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Betsy Mandel-Carley

Value Women Friends

Reviewed in the United States on July 26, 2021

Verified Purchase

I gave this book four stars because I believe that focusing on the importance of friendship as an essential piece of women’s lives and being as impacting as family or marriage is absolutely necessary to understand women. As a recently retired psychotherapist of 52 years, I am very aware of the psychological impact of female friendship and initiated a few sessions with female friend of female client a few times. There was surprise at suggestion, followed by gratitude after these experiences.
Yes this book is very personal and yes the authors specific experiences aren’t universal but the energy and investment described is so important.
Women are usually very relational beings and this book supports our need to value, understand, and find ways of supporting that…whether we are living in present digital age or understanding friendships even in pre computer days.

14 people found this helpful

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Maggie M.

Raw, Relatable, Reassuring

Reviewed in the United States on November 3, 2023

Verified Purchase

This is the kind of book you don't put down after picking up (because you simply cant!)
This is the kind of book that compels you to underline, and screenshot, and dog-ear pages.
This is the kind of book that makes you laugh, cry, and reflect.
This is the kind of book that you lend to your best friend, because only *they* could understand it like you.
This is the kind of book that you need to read.

One person found this helpful

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Andrea

Not What it Seems Like

Reviewed in the United States on November 13, 2020

Verified Purchase

Based on the description of the book, I thought this would be more about friendships and less about the authors. The parts where they focused on theories and studies on friendships were interesting, but the book was more of an auto-biography of the authors. Also it’s confusing that the book is written in both the 1st and 3rd person.

24 people found this helpful

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Maree LaRue

I had to stop myself from annotating the whole wonderful book

Reviewed in the United States on July 10, 2021

Verified Purchase

I was first introduced to this book and these amazing women on the 7/28/2020 ep of Sam Sanders' NPR podcast "It's Been a Minute". Since I'm already listening to another friendship podcast ("Best Friends With Nicole Byer and Sasheer Zamata"), this book seemed like my best starting point.

This book is funny, insightful, well-researched, thoughtful and incredibly needed. As they iterate time and again: friendship is valuable but not valued. Especially as people lead busier lives, spend more time online and are married later (if at all), friendships deserve a stronger focus and support.

I have old friends, interracial friends, make friends, long-distance friends (and combos!) so I identified with so many of the triumphs and struggles depicted here. I highlighted sections because I want to be a better friend--and you should too!

This book is lightly political (they're unapologetic feminists), not graphic (a few medical descriptions), and very emotional. Everyone can learn something. But take your time, this is important.

5 people found this helpful

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Amazon Customer

amazing

Reviewed in the United States on July 11, 2023

Verified Purchase

This book was eye opening. Really amazing way to share how friendships and relationships can grow and how to manage those

Reviewed in the United States on October 15, 2020

Verified Purchase

I read this book for my book club I thought it was good and I really enjoyed reading this book

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Zoe_Milo

Love the examination of friendship as an institution that is as important as family/marriage

Reviewed in the United States on August 26, 2020

Verified Purchase

This book was lovely - Aminatou and Ann use their own story to examine friendship, its sidelined role in our current society, and its continued importance as one of the fundamental components of a life. I read this book in a day, and will keep it - I generally sell books after reading due to limited space - so I can revisit over and over.

8 people found this helpful

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Top reviews from other countries

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Andrea

Excelente estado!

Reviewed in Mexico on January 22, 2024

Verified Purchase

Llegó un día antes de lo estimado, en excelentes condiciones!

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Kindle Customer

A Poignant reflection on the Power of Friendships and the Labour Needed to Sustain Them

Reviewed in Canada on April 2, 2022

Verified Purchase

A meaningful contribution to the growing body of work on the vital meaning of the social relationships we call "friendship"

Amazon Customer

It’s not about friendship, it’s about their friendship

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on March 16, 2022

Verified Purchase

This book would likely be enjoyed by fans of their podcast. However, it’s not an insight guide about friendship, but a year by year break down of their friendship story.