Enjoy fast, free delivery, exclusive deals, and award-winning movies & TV shows with Prime
Try Prime and start saving today with fast, free delivery

Kindle
$13.99

Available instantly

Audiobook
$0.00
with membership trial

Hardcover
$20.10

$20.10 with 33 percent savings

List Price: $30.00

Get Fast, Free Shipping with Amazon Prime FREE Returns

FREE delivery Friday, May 17 on orders shipped by Amazon over $35

Or fastest delivery Thursday, May 16. Order within 18 hrs 13 mins

Select delivery location

In Stock

$$20.10 () Includes selected options. Includes initial monthly payment and selected options. Details

Ships from

Amazon.com

Ships from

Amazon.com

Sold by

Amazon.com

Sold by

Amazon.com

Returns

30-day easy returns

Returns

30-day easy returns

This item can be returned in its original condition for a full refund or replacement within 30 days of receipt.

Read full return policy

Payment

Secure transaction

Payment

Secure transaction

We work hard to protect your security and privacy. Our payment security system encrypts your information during transmission. We don’t share your credit card details with third-party sellers, and we don’t sell your information to others. Learn more

Details

Add a gift receipt for easy returns

Other sellers on Amazon

New & Used (62) from $20.10 FREE Shipping on orders over $35.00 shipped by Amazon.

Follow the author

Emily Nagoski Ph.D.

+ Follow

More books from this author

Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections Hardcover – January 30, 2024

by Emily Nagoski PhD (Author)

4.4 117 ratings

See all formats and editions

Great on Kindle

Great Experience. Great Value.

Enjoy a great reading experience when you buy the Kindle edition of this book. Learn more about Great on Kindle, available in select categories.

View Kindle Edition

{"desktop_buybox_group_1":[{"displayPrice":"$20.10","priceAmount":20.10,"currencySymbol":"$","integerValue":"20","decimalSeparator":".","fractionalValue":"10","symbolPosition":"left","hasSpace":false,"showFractionalPartIfEmpty":true,"offerListingId":"IbNAALB8dmi3lwR1C6iPE9D8dYKFJ4mmDTX%2Fzc4Qgp6UJGT2rMm5UCAxk3nqLaQv8SXHbTioS%2BnkeEl89wHrjP7snvrl%2FKJNYSQRfVWXxFJzfZ036aGY2a1ZIPl7jlE3JM7zINoW0c6qJ%2BFHWlg0Fg%3D%3D","locale":"en-US","buyingOptionType":"NEW","aapiBuyingOptionIndex":0}]}

Purchase options and add-ons

NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER • From the author of Come as You Are and co-author of Burnout comes an illuminating exploration of how to maintain a happy sex life in a long-term relationship.

“Emily Nagoski is a national treasure—helping us all understand how to finally build true, joyful, confident sex lives.”—Glennon Doyle, author of Untamed

In Come as You Are, Emily Nagoski, PhD, revolutionized the way we think about women’s sexuality. Now, in Come Together, Nagoski takes on a fundamentally misunderstood subject: sex in long-term relationships.

Most of us struggle at some point to maintain a sexual connection with our partner/s or spouse. And many of us are given not-very-good advice on what to do about it. In this book, Nagoski dispels the myths we’ve been taught about sex—for instance, the belief that sexual satisfaction and desire are highest at the beginning of a relationship and that they inevitably decline the longer that relationship lasts. Nagoski assures us that’s not true.

So, what is true? Come Together isn’t about how much we want sex, or how often we’re having it; it’s about whether we like the sex we’re having. Nagoski breaks down the obstacles that impede us from enjoying sex—from stress and body image to relationship difficulties and gendered beliefs about how sex “should” be—and presents the best ways to overcome them. You’ll learn:

• that “spontaneous desire” is not the kind of desire to strive for if you want to have great sex for decades
• vocabulary for talking with partners about ways to get in “the mood” and how to not take it personally when “the mood” is nowhere to be found
• how to understand your own and your partner’s “emotional floorplan,” so that you have a blueprint for how to get to a sexy state of mind

Written with scientific rigor, humor, and compassion, Nagoski shows us what great sex can look like, how to create it in our own lives, and what to do when struggles arise.

Frequently bought together

Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections

$20.10

Get it as soon as Friday, May 17

In Stock

Ships from and sold by Amazon.com.

+

Come As You Are: Revised and Updated: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life

$15.71

Get it as soon as Friday, May 17

In Stock

Ships from and sold by Amazon.com.

+

The Come as You Are Workbook: A Practical Guide to the Science of Sex

$15.05

Get it as soon as Friday, May 17

In Stock

Ships from and sold by Amazon.com.

Total price:

To see our price, add these items to your cart.

Try again!

Details

Added to Cart

Choose items to buy together.

Emily Nagoski Ph.D.
5,479
Paperback
in General Sexual Health
83 offers from $10.33
Emily Nagoski Ph.D.
1,023
Paperback
65 offers from $8.67
Emily Nagoski PhD
8,237
Paperback
153 offers from $2.33
Ian Kerner
8,112
Paperback
104 offers from $4.98
Vanessa Marin
489
Paperback
48 offers from $12.18
Emily Nagoski
95
Paperback
8 offers from $34.98

From the Publisher

“Emily Nagoski is a national treasure,” says Glennon Doyle.

“Insightful, educational, relatable, [and] practical,” says Dr. Jen Gunter.

Editorial Reviews

Review

“This is not only an accessible, gentle-hearted guide to a still-taboo topic; it’s a fascinating exploration of how our most intimate connections cannot just endure but thrive.”—ELLE

“Every couple I see in therapy comes in with cultural myths and misperceptions about sex that get in the way of the connection they desire. Emily Nagoski gifts us with an illuminating, relatable, and often funny book that completely reframes how we think about sex in long-term relationships. Come Together is a game-changer and should be required reading for every couple who wants to reimagine what great sex can look like.”—Lori Gottlieb, New York Times bestselling author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone and co-host of the Dear Therapists podcast

“Come Together is a revelation! It gives us the permission to redefine intimacy on our terms through engaging storytelling and science. It’s time we replace shame and obligation with exploration and pleasure. A must read!”—Eve Rodsky, New York Times bestselling author of Fair Play

“Come Together is wise and deeply comforting. Once again, Emily Nagoski is dismantling myths about sexuality and giving everyone permission to discover what is already true and love what they discover.”—Angela Chen, author of Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex

“The blend of science and storytelling that Nagoski’s readers expect is on full display throughout this affirming, inclusive guide, which has the potential to transform readers’ sex lives and their general well-being. . . . An essential purchase.”—Library Journal (starred review)

“Empowering and pragmatic . . . Nagoski’s prose is spry and inviting as she marshals research and anecdotes (many featuring nonbinary couples) to dispel notions of ‘normal’ sex, ban sexual expectations and judgments, and advocate ‘liv[ing] with confidence and joy’ in one’s body. It’s a valuable resource for anyone looking to spruce up a subpar sex life or make a good one better.”—Publishers Weekly

“Come Together is an inclusive, good-humored, and reassuring book that offers something for every couple in a long-term relationship.”—BookPage

About the Author

Emily Nagoski is the New York Times bestselling, award-winning author of Come as You Are and co-author, with her sister, Amelia, of Burnout. She earned an MS in counseling and a PhD in health behavior, both from Indiana University, with clinical and research training at the Kinsey Institute. Now she combines sex education and stress education to teach women to live with confidence and joy inside their bodies. She lives in Massachusetts with two dogs, a cat, and a cartoonist.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

Chapter 1

Is Sex Important?

In this first part of the book, I’m introducing a different way to think about sex: What if we shelve the entire concept of desire and, in its place, prioritize pleasure and how we create it in our lives? If you enjoy the sex you’re having, you’re doing great, regardless of how much you crave sex (or don’t) and regardless of how often you have it (or don’t).

Great sex in a long-term relationship is not about how much you desire sex or how often you have to do it. It’s not about what you do, in which position, with whom or where or in what clothes, even how many orgasms you have. It’s whether or not you like the sex you are having.

Your task, as a partnership, is to explore ways to co-create a shared context—a shared life, a connection, a state of mind, a way of being together—that makes pleasure easy to access. It starts with understanding why sex matters in your relationship—if it matters, which it doesn’t always. It continues with considering when and why and how sex feels good—if it feels good, which it doesn’t always.

So how important is sex?

Sex is really important to some people, in some relationships or in some specific contexts. But in terms of getting through our day-to-day lives, sex is generally no big deal. Nobody’s going to die or even get sick if they don’t have sex. Nobody is diseased or dysfunctional if sex seems like more trouble than it’s worth, just as nobody is diseased or dysfunctional if sex feels urgently important, day after day.

Regardless of whether sex seems important or not, there are only twenty-four hours in a day and seven days in a week. Nobody gets more, and we have a lot of things to do in that time. Maybe we have family to take care of, maybe we have a paycheck to earn, an academic degree to finish, chores to do, a puppy to house-train, a chronic illness to manage. We have to sleep, eat, bathe, maybe talk to friends who are not our sex partners, maybe even, god forbid, we just want to watch a little TV and take a nap.

When my own sex life evaporated, I had an advantage most people don’t: I knew that the couples who sustain a satisfying sexual connection are the couples who decide that sex matters enough for their relationship that they cordon off space, time, and energy specifically for sex. They stop doing all those other things they could be doing, they close the door on all those other responsibilities and enjoyments, and they turn toward each other’s sensual selves.

But why, when we have so many other things we could be doing, do we choose to have sex?

Why Have Sex?

Let’s face it, sex is kind of silly. We dignified humans put our tongues in each other’s mouths, we put our mouths on each other’s genitals, we rub our skins together and wrestle like puppies, we let our bodies roll through orgasm even when there’s someone else there to witness it. We bounce and grunt and spasm and ooze. What in the world is happening in the midst of all that silliness that makes it worth stopping everything else just to do that?

For some of you, it’s a no-brainer. You can’t even understand why it’s a question. If you’re one of the people for whom sex is very, very important—and maybe just reading that “sex is only important sometimes to some people” makes you a little panicky—never fear. You are normal! But even you won’t die or be injured or get sick if you don’t do this silly, often delightful, sometimes not at all good, occasionally extremely important thing we humans can do.

For some of you, “Why have sex?” is a question you’ve been asking yourself privately for years. You may feel kind of relieved or even vindicated to read that sex doesn’t have to be very important. And you’re normal too!

Regardless of how you feel about the idea that sex doesn’t have to be a big deal, here’s a question that I want you to consider very seriously:

What is it that you want when you want sex with a partner?

Hint: The answer is generally not “an orgasm.” If you want an orgasm, have an orgasm. You can do that on your own. But what is it that you want when you want to have sex with the partner with whom you plan to sustain a sexual connection for the foreseeable future?

Take your time with this and go deep. What is it about sex with this other person that motivates and inspires you? What is your partner giving you when they give you their attention? What do you receive when you receive their touch? And if some part of you is thinking, I just want sex, and this is the only person I’m supposed to be having it with sooooooo . . . consider what it is about sex with another person that matters. What changes when there’s someone else there for you to touch and be touched by?

Over the last several years, I’ve asked a few hundred people this question. At workshops, during online events, and in internet surveys, I’ve asked people to let me know their answers to this question, to give me a better sense of what images and priorities pop up in their minds.

In my informal surveys, the answers to the question “What do you want when you want sex with a partner?” usually came down to what I’ve started to call The Big Four: Connection, Shared Pleasure, Being Wanted, and Freedom.

1. Connection. Overwhelmingly, the most common thing people reported wanting is connection with their partner. What precisely do people mean by connection? I’ll leave that to you to define. But some of the responses I received show that “connection” can be physical and emotional and more than both—e.g.,

“I want to hold and be held and make out and explore each other’s bodies.”

“I want to feel listened to and taken care of.”

If “connection” is part of your own answer, you can ask yourself further questions like: What does connection feel like? Where in my body, mind, and/or spirit do I experience connection? What words or behaviors increase my sense of connection?

2. Shared Pleasure. Like orgasm, pleasure is something we can experience on our own, but that is not what people say they want when they want sex with a partner. Most often, it’s the pleasure of witnessing a partner’s pleasure, experiencing our partner’s enjoyment of our own pleasure, or sharing pleasure. People do not just want to enjoy the sensation of rubbing body parts against someone else; we want pleasure for everyone involved. People said things like:

“I want someone caring about my pleasure.”

“I want to focus on my partner’s body—her movements and tastes and sounds and smells.”

Our partners’ pleasure matters to us, and we want our own pleasure to matter to our partners.

3. Being Wanted. This was about as commonly mentioned as pleasure. What people want when they want sex is to be wanted by their partner; not just in response to pleasure we co-create, but in anticipation of the pleasure we can share:

“I want to feel like my partner loves and appreciates every aspect of my body and mind, even the flaws.”

“I want approval and acceptance.”

Others described it as wanting “to feel desirable” or “to feel sexy.” When I spoke with people for whom feeling desired or desirable was what they wanted, a lot of what they wanted, underneath the experience of being desired, was validation. Many of us are carrying around hurt parts of ourselves that are, on some level, convinced we are undesirable or even unlovable, and being desired soothes that part of ourselves.

A perimenopausal queer woman, reflecting on the casual sex of her twenties, put it this way: “There are parts of me that fundamentally believe I am unf***able and those are the parts of me that wanted to feel desired. There was a physical craving, and it was exciting, but [sex] met the needs of the parts of me that need to be desired.”

If something you want, when you want sex with a partner, is to feel sexy/desirable or to be or feel desired, try asking the further questions: What is it that I want when I want to feel sexy or desirable? Is there something different about “desirability” versus feeling or being desired?

4. Freedom. This is the feeling of being fully immersed in a sensual experience. People want a feeling of escape from the ordinary day-to-day of their lives and a sense that they can stop thinking about anything else and experience a moment full of pleasure. They want to disappear into lust—e.g.,

“I want to clear my head and stop thinking. To be so into my partner that the world falls away.”

“I want to relax and relinquish control and be completely present.”

The opposite emerged, too, when respondents described what they didn’t want or like. People don’t want or like sex when they feel distracted, their minds pulled in a million directions. They don’t want or like pressure to “perform.” They don’t want or like feeling obligated to have sex.

In short, when people want sex, often what they want is to be free from wanting anything else. They want to step away from stressors, suffering, dissatisfaction, and distress. They want to step into a space too full of pleasure for there to be room for anything else.

Product details

Publisher ‏ : ‎ Ballantine Books (January 30, 2024)
Language ‏ : ‎ English
Hardcover ‏ : ‎ 368 pages
ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 0593500822
ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0593500828
Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 1.25 pounds
Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 6.41 x 1.21 x 9.53 inches

Best Sellers Rank: #3,058 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #3 in Psychology & Counseling Books on Sexuality
- #5 in General Sexual Health
- #6 in Sex & Sexuality

Customer Reviews:
4.4 117 ratings

Brief content visible, double tap to read full content.

Full content visible, double tap to read brief content.

Videos

Help others learn more about this product by uploading a video!

Upload your video

About the author

Follow authors to get new release updates, plus improved recommendations.

Emily Nagoski Ph.D.

Brief content visible, double tap to read full content.

Full content visible, double tap to read brief content.

Discover more of the author’s books, see similar authors, read author blogs and more

Customer reviews

4.4 out of 5

117 global ratings

How customer reviews and ratings work

Reviews with images

See all photos

Sort reviews by

Top reviews from the United States

There was a problem filtering reviews right now. Please try again later.

W. Noble

The Owner’s Manual for Shared Journeys

Reviewed in the United States on February 18, 2024

Verified Purchase

We’ve had Come Together for just 3 weeks (it arrived 2 days after its January 30th release), and it already feels like it should be in the kitchen with the cookbooks. Emily has the rare quality of making complex, science-based, yet very hands-on strategies and practices feel like they come straight from her heart to yours.

The book has the same super-easy-access structure as her bestseller, Come as You Are, which, a decade after its publication, is still the reigning authority on women’s sexuality.

If I had to pick just one piece from the book to pass on, it’d probably have to be “Pleasure is the Measure.” That simple-seeming coinage, not sex itself, not any of the myriad issues shared life involves, cuts through so many thickets: do you and your partner bring pleasure to your partner's life and to your own? Can your relationship - despite health crises, financial challenges, childrearing, work demands, lost socks, and a thousand distractions - nurture a mutual joy in living?

We need this book. There’s a pretty good chance you do too.

13 people found this helpful

Helpful

Amazon Customer

Scientific and accessible

Reviewed in the United States on February 4, 2024

Verified Purchase

Come Together is a much better book that Come As You Are. It's much more direct and specific regarding what makes sex good. Come Together doesn't shy away from disturbing topics (such as sexual coercion) like CAYA did.

I liked the way the author made Panksepp, Sapolsky, Kleinplatz, and others' research and ideas accessible to a layperson. My favorite part was the final chapter with instructions on how to savor positive experiences.

10 people found this helpful

Helpful

Sara

Another amazing resource for couples

Reviewed in the United States on February 6, 2024

Verified Purchase

Come together, is a great resource for couples who are struggling to find their way back to a fulfilling sexual connection. It is backed by evidence, personal and personable.

7 people found this helpful

Helpful

Laura S.

A solid starting point for finding common ground

Reviewed in the United States on April 6, 2024

3.5 stars rounded up — A helpful book that is a good starting point for those who are continuing to work on understsanding their own sexuality and how it can blend with a partner's, especially when their needs are at odd with each other. This is such a taboo topic that's hard for many to tackle, and Emily Nagoski does a great job of making it feel accessible and simple, even when the challenges couples face can often be complex. I appreciated her "blueprint" concept and how consistently she affirms people (and libidos) of all types. For long-term relationships working to get a spark back, "Come Together" includes plenty of practical advice.

One person found this helpful

Helpful

Stephanie Pilch

5 stars!

Reviewed in the United States on May 8, 2024

At times this book was a validating, comforting hug and at other times it was a challenge to sit in my discomfort and get curious about that discomfort. I both liked this book and disliked it when it called me out...which I know is the point. Dr. Nagoski pulled from her own work and the work of others to provide advice. Some of that advice was very practical (like if you want sex towels, make a handy spot for sex towels) and some of that advice was a little more philosophical (like map the floorplan of your mind to figure out what's adjacent to sex).

Thank you to Ballantine Books and NetGalley for an ARC!

Helpful

MK French

Insightful book regarding desire and sexuality

Reviewed in the United States on February 1, 2024

Review first posted at Girl Who Reads. All opinions are my own.

After researching women's sexuality, Dr. Nagoski has moved on to evaluate the role of sex in long-term relationships. There are many myths regarding desire over the course of relationships, the obstacles that are inevitable, and that enjoyment lessens over time. This is not actually true, and this book points out ways to overcome the destructive myths that are perpetuated.

"Spontaneous desire" doesn't fuel a love life that spans decades. There are helpful ways to discuss desire or lack thereof, and it can be hard to understand that without taking it personally. Partners in a relationship don't always understand their own emotional needs, let alone that of their partner. This makes it harder to mesh well, especially when there are conflicts outside the relationship adding stress. It's something that everyone deals with, especially with busy lives; in the introduction, we see how that affected Emily Nagoski herself.

Part one of the book goes through the concepts of pleasure and understanding the self, and part two is more of a step-by-step guide to apply to your relationship. This makes sense: you have to know what you want, what role sex plays in your life and concepts of a relationship, and what stops you from having sex before you can figure out what needs to be fixed. Yet everyone usually thinks of simply adding in more to "save" a relationship, and making it a chore kills the mood. I love the analogy of the emotions creating a house, with different access points to each other. This means there's no stigma to how you feel about things, or how your individual experiences have linked emotional responses. Each chapter has questions to help you think and consider the concepts, especially when thinking about this is new. It's okay if it feels weird! But they help you get a deeper understanding of your emotions and how they're linked, which is the important part.

Definitely go through part one before diving into part two, as tempting as it is to skip. Even if you know yourself pretty well, it's still a good idea to really think about the early chapters before going to the actionable ones. The actions, after all, deal with emotions and communication skills in various situations that can arise in long-term relationships. Putting this into practice may be tough, but it might be worth the effort.

7 people found this helpful

Helpful

Amazon Customer

Premise Good but No Follow Through

Reviewed in the United States on April 16, 2024

Verified Purchase

The premise of the book (rooms in particular) made for a good start.However author seemingly failed to follow on the concept as the concept of rooms or how to navigate them seemed to disappear the more I read on. Intriguing concept but I feel this book had so much more potential

One person found this helpful

Helpful

Heather Reich

Best book on long term sexual relationships I've ever seen

Reviewed in the United States on February 24, 2024

This book is amazing. As Emily does with all of her books, there's so much information to back up the incredible models that she puts together as ways of demystifying sexual connection. I'm a sex edcuator and sex counselor and I've read so many books on this topic and many are wonderful... but this one is truly a work of art. Emily's writing is humorous and really accessible. She breaks down big, complex, multilayer concepts into tangible pieces that the reader is encouraged work with for a better understanding of themselves. I enjoyed the heck out of drawing out my own personal floorplan and learned so much in the process! I'll be recommending this book (and already have been) to everyone!

7 people found this helpful

Helpful

Top reviews from other countries

anna k

Starts strong but says little

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on April 20, 2024

Verified Purchase

The first chapter or so starts well with some good insight, but it then tails off into meaningless waffle, with very little actionable insight or indeed, much to say at all. There are a number of citations at the end of the book, but how they've been used isn't really clear. It feels like loads of pages of the authors musings and some painfully obvious observations. Waste of time.

See more reviews

Return this item for free

Follow the author

Image Unavailable